© Kat Morgan 1999/2000

In Name Only

Chapter 18: "Iím not gay."

Kat knew Nick was avoiding her. And had a pretty good idea why. She had rejected him out of hand the previous day, and he must be still smarting from it. It couldnít go on. She cared alot about him, and needed his support and friendship.

After a day of just missing him, or Ďhe was just hereí statements, she finally cornered him as he was playing video games in his room. "Nick? You are going to have to talk to me eventually."

"What for?" he replied sulkily.

"Well, for one thing someone was bound to notice you are avoiding me. And also I want us to be friends, no matter what."

He turned to her quickly. "Then why did you tell Howie?"

"Tell Howie what?" Kat was confused.

"Tell Howie I kissed you." He saw the surprised look on her face. "He came in before the concert and told me, in front of everyone, to leave you alone."

"But, I didnít tell him!" Kat protested. "I wasnít ever going to. That was between you and me. How did he know? Did some one see us?"

Nick shook his head. "I donít think any of the guys did: they were as surprised as I was. Theyíve been giving me dirty looks all day. I just assumed you told him to tell me to..."

"Iíll find out," she said getting up, then turned to face him. "Nick? I wasnít going to tell him." She smiled, "I suppose I should tell my husband everything, but there is too much going on around here for that. What you said to me is between us. Noone else. And I really am flattered, but I just canít."

"My feelings havenít changed. I want to get to know you better," he replied, taking a step towards her.

They were now only inches apart, and Kat was fighting hard not to close that gap. "This is so confusing. I am not interested in Nick, but I do want someone right now," she thought, her mind in a turmoil. "No, itís just longing for some, any, affection. Donít do it, Kat. Youíll end up hurting too many people," she ordered herself.

"I donít think it would be right. Iím sorry, Nick," she said and fled the room.

"Howie?" Kat called as she walked into their room.

"In here," he yelled from the bathroom. She walked in and leaned against the doorframe, watching him as he shaved. He had obviously just taken a shower; he had a large white towel, which emphasised the dark natural tan of his skin, wrapped around his waist. Beads of water glistened on his taut chest and his hair hung in loose, damp ringlets.

"What did you say to Nick?"

He put the razor down and looked at her. "I told him to leave you alone."

"And why did you do that?"

"I saw him. Kiss you. Yesterday."

She continued to question him calmly. "And why did you feel the need to get involved?"

"Because you pushed him away. So I thought..."

"How do you know I wasnít saying Ďnot now, maybe laterí?" she replied shortly.

He was starting to get defensive. "You were giving off some pretty strong body language. I was trying to help."

"No, you were interfering," she said angrily.

"Look, if you want to sleep with Nick, you go right ahead," he said testily.

"I donít want to sleep with Nick. I want to be able to make my own decisions about my life. I let you live your life your way, dammit. Let me live mine!"

"Fine, do whatever you want! Screw Nick; screw them all," he said harshly.

"Thatís not what I want. What I want is to be able to figure out what it is I do want without you looking over my shoulder."

"You do whatever you want," he said petulantly.

She wanted to yell at him, to get him to understand that the trapped feeling that he had been complaining about is what she was feeling now. Why was he acting this way? Like some overprotective...

"Youíre jealous," she realized.

"I am not!"

"You are. Youíre jealous of the idea that I might start seeing someone. You werenít warning Nick away; you were warning everyone away."

"I just donít think you should start seeing one of the Boys."

"You made sure of that," she snapped derisively. "But if you could, youíd say the same thing to any man who looks in my direction."

"Thatís not true," Howie said weakly, not sure himself.

"Pretty bad double standard, Howie. You can sleep with any man you want. I canít even get kissed without you freaking out," she said with disgust and stalked from the room.

Howie stared after her. He WAS jealous. He knew she said that she wasnít interested in seeing anyone just yet -- maybe not even interested in Nick, but seeing the two of them together-- it made him realize that she might start seeing someone eventually. It had been all right in theory, but the idea of her not being totally devoted to him the way she had been for the past few months was hard for him. Even before they got married, the fact that he hadnít had to share her with anyone had spoiled him.

He sighed. She was right: double standard. He had had his brief affairs and thought little of how it would be affecting her. Now, he was suddenly aware of the possibility that she might have one. Perhaps, if she was the type of person to have a quick fling it would be okay, but he doubted that if she had been that their friendship, relationship, marriage, would have gotten as far as it had.

No, if Kat started seeing someone, and especially if she started sleeping with him, he knew it would be because she really cared. Then what would happen to him?

And the idea of it being Nick didnít help. Or any of the other Boys. Brian and Kat were close friends, but Brian had Leighanne. AJ -- well, despite his "public" reputation he was pretty much a one-woman man, and Tina clearly was that woman. Kevin was a non-starter. Mindy aside, the animosity between the two was too strong. That left Nick -- who was obviously more than interested.

Nick may be a bit young, but he was handsome, intelligent, fun to be with, and heterosexual; everything that Kat could want. Also he was readily available. No worrying about causing a fuss by getting involved with someone outside of the Backstreet family.

The idea made a lot of sense. And made Howie feel awful.


AJ sighed heavily - for about the fifteenth time that day. He was also lost in thought and uncommunicative. That was really out of character, and Tina was starting to get worried. Heíd been acting this way all day, and this evening was no better.

She flipped around the television channels with the remote. "Are you interesting in watching this program?" she asked, indicating a fishing show.

"Whatever you want."

She was sure he hadnít even heard what sheíd said.

"I hear that McDonaldís is turning into a vegetarian commune."

"Thatís nice."

Yes, he was definitely not paying any attention.

"I was thinking of leaving you to go to Timbuktu and become a goatherder."

"That would be nice."

"I was also thinking about having sex with the entire Chippendaleís lineup and selling tickets, but not inviting you to watch."

"Thatíd be great."

"Okay." She counted down from five silently, but he clued in earlier than she thought. She was at two when he suddenly shot forward.

"What?!" he yelled

She started to laugh.

"A goatherder?" he asked.

She laughed harder.

"And no Big Macs?"

She had to hold her side from laughing so hard at the expression on his face.

"I have been kind off out of it, havenít I?" he sighed.

Sixteen sighs. "Yes. Whatís up? Youíve been like this since yesterday."

"I have something to tell you. Something you canít tell anyone," he said.

"This sounds ominous."

"It is. Very. It could be damaging if it got out," he said seriously.

Tina was starting to get worried. More by the expression on his face than by the tone of his voice. She tried to lighten the mood by smiling and asking, "you used to be a woman?"

"This is important, Tina," he said sternly.

"Okay, okay. Iím listening."

"Howie told us yesterday. Heís gay." AJ waited for an explosion of surprise.

"Yeah?" Tina replied, not seeing the significance.

"Werenít you listening? Howieís gay!"

She looked at him. "Thatís it? You only just realized it?"

He gaped at her. "You knew?"

"I figured that out ages ago," she said with a quick frown. "Have you never seen he and Kat together? They are affectionate and all, but not in the same way you and I, or Brian and Leighanne, are."

He shook his head incredulously. "How did... How come I never saw it?"

"AJ, you are kind of outgoing. You are so busy bouncing around, meeting people, you sometimes donít sit back and watch all the hidden cues and body language."

"So I donít pay attention to people?" he asked with a hurt expression on his face.

"Man, he really is taking this hard," Tina thought. "Thatís not it," she replied. "You are like most people-- you notice the things you want to and not the others. You and Howie spend a lot of time together and you know him really well..."

"I though I did," he muttered.

She ignored his comment. "But deep down you may have all ready suspected, and when Kat came along and they got married, and acted "married" you just, subconsciously, heaved a sigh of relief and accepted it because to do otherwise would have been too hard."

"They lied to us for almost six months!" he protested.

"No AJ," she corrected him. "Theyíve been protecting you for six months."


"Why do you think they did it? Because they didnít want to hurt you in any way. If theyíd told you earlier you would have treated them differently. And someone would have slipped up and then it would have been all over the papers and the internet. You would have survived, but it would have been difficult."

"But they should have..."

She barreled on. "Think of everything the group has been through in the past few years. Deaths in the family. Financial troubles. Legal battles. Other rip-off groups riding your tails and stealing your fans. Fighting the publicity about Howieís sexuality would be worse than all that."

"We got bad press when they got married," AJ insisted.

"That was nothing compared to what could happen and you know it." She grinned, "think about a Ďcoming outí story: itís put a whole new spin on the name ĎBackstreetí boy."

AJ smiled wistfully.

Tina sighed. "Look, I donít care that heís gay. And Kat obviously doesnít or she wouldnít have married him. They have a great relationship -- that much you noticed," she teased. "Why worry about it?"

"I just hate that they didnít think they could trust me."

She smiled at him slyly. "Youíre just worried about what people will say about you."

"What do you mean?" he frowned.

"Well," she drawled suggestively. "You and Howie are close friends. You two do spend a lot of time together. And he is gay...." She left the rest of the statement hanging.

"Iím not gay!"

She grinned evilly at him and said, with a twinkle in her eye: "oh yeah? Prove it!"

He was smiling as he leaned over kissing her deeply, thoroughly, passionately. "You want proof?" he growled in her mouth. "Iíll give you proof."

He moved his lips all over her face, throat and neck. His hands did the same to her breasts and stomach. She moaned and ran her hands up his back, tangling in his hair.

He unbuttoned the top few buttons of her shirt, then lost patience at the sight of her firm flesh, and ripped the rest of the shirt open, sending plastic disks flying. This turned the both of them on even more. Tina could feel his cock hardening against her thigh, and he could feel her nipples doing the same as he stroked his hand across her breasts, unclasping her bra.

He took her right breast into his mouth, sucking it in deeply, biting down on the tip roughly. His hand mimicked his actions on her other breast, and then he switched; mouth on left, hand on right.

She pulled his shirt up, over his head and threw it aside, before running her fingernails down the length of his firm back. She caressed his ear with her tongue, then arched her back reflexively was he continued to rub her aching breasts.

"Would a gay man do this?" he mumbled as he licked his way down her stomach, plunging his tongue into her belly button. Tina gasped with pleasure.

"How about this?" He quickly undid the zipper on her shorts and pulled them down, diving forward, mouth hot on the fabric of her underwear. He slid a finger underneath, feeling her juices as they began to flow from her. He yanked the panties off quickly, then pulled his pants off, before going down on her again. He plunged a finger deep inside her and she reacted by shrieking his name, her hands clenching on his shoulders.

He was relentless; one finger followed another, followed by his tongue. He plunged in and out of her, driving her into a frenzy. He continued to pound her with questions about whether she thought he was gay as well; none of which she could answer in anything other than moans, so lost was she in the erotic feelings he was causing. She could feel the waves building, and, as his tongue went deeper into her one more time, she screamed as her orgasm exploded. Light flickers danced across her eyes, and her body convulsed again and again.

AJ licked and sucked her juices, reveling in the intensity of the orgasm he had caused. He moved up her body, poising himself over her, not letting her have any rest, so great was his need be inside of her. He put one of his fingers, still wet from her inside, under her chin, pulling her head up so that she was looking directly into his eyes.

"Iím not gay," he murmured, voice thick with desire. "And I love you," he said as he thrust forward, entering her quickly.

Tina managed to reply, "I love you too," before she felt the size of him in her and gasped loudly. She wrapped her legs around his waist and arched her hips forward, pulling him deeper into her. Now it was his turn to cry out as she clenched her vaginal muscles, clasping his member in a tight internal embrace.

He thrust deeper, feeling his balls slap against her flesh, rocking forward and back. It had never been this wild before. This rough. This passionate. This... He lost all ability to think as he pumped deeper and deeper into the woman he loved, his body convulsing in a powerful orgasm.

"Oh God, Tina," he grunted harshly, then felt her body react as her orgasm hit, and she gasped his name over and over, fingernails clawing into his back, which only drove him deeper into sexual need. The two spent the rest of the night seeking the sexual oblivion they both desired.

Chapter 19