© Kat Morgan 1999/2000

In Name Only

Chapter 35: Resolutions

(Thanks to Tee for helping me with this chapter!)

Howie sighed and looked down at Kat’s sleeping face. It had taken her hours to tell him even part of the story. She kept breaking down.

He brushed the hair off her face, looking at her tearstained face and puffy eyes. Dammit, how could he not have known? Not seen it all before?

Kat stirred in his arms, then looked up at him, sleepily.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hi." She glanced around, realizing where she was -- lying on her bed, wrapped in his arms. "I’m surprised you’re still here."

He frowned. "Why wouldn’t I be?"

"You must hate me," she said sadly.

"Hey," he turned her face to his. "I could never hate you."

She smiled sadly, then grimaced. "Howie, I have to get up."

"Why?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

He shot up. "You’re okay? You’re not sick?"

She laughed gently. "I’m fine. We’re fine. But I have this little person standing on my bladder and I really need to get up." She got up, shivering a little as she left the warmth of his arms.

In the bathroom she discovered a new skill; how to pee and throw up at the same time. "Damn, I thought the morning sickness was over," she thought as she lay her aching head on the cool porcelain of the sink. The phone rang and she jerked suddenly, which set off another twist of bile from her stomach. Howie’d have to get it.

It took a little while for her to pull herself back together and head downstairs. Howie was in the kitchen.

"Tea?"

"Please."

He handed her a cup. "It’s peppermint. I did some research: it’s supposed to help with the nausea."

She smiled. "Thanks. Who was on the phone?" she asked, knowing who she wanted it to be, then flushing.

Howie saw her reaction and turned around so she couldn’t see his face. He cleared his throat. "AJ. He’s coming over."

Kat was silent. She’d chased Brian away a few days ago and still didn’t want to see anyone. But now was not the time to impose anything on Howie.

"I suppose you don’t want to see him," Howie said, reading her mind.

"Stop doing that. You always know what I’m thinking."

He turned back to her. "No, Kat. No, I don’t."

She looked down, ashamed. "I’m so sorry, D."

"Did you even think of my feelings? Even once?" he asked abruptly.

"All the time," she said quietly.

"Didn’t stop you, though did it?"

She was silent.

"I suppose it’s my fault. I mean our agreement was that you could see someone. I just thought you’d warn me before you did. God, it hurt so much when you told me that you’d had an affair. It shouldn’t have, but it did. And for it to have been with Kevin... Kevin, shit!" he swore, anger rising. He turned and threw his cup into the sink were it shattered.

Kat flinched, taking a step back.

"How long, Kat?"

She muttered something under her breath.

"Louder. How long?" he asked angrily.

"Seven months."

"Jesus! You two have been fucking behind my back for that long?"

Kat recoiled from the anger in his voice.

"Stop doing that. I’m not going to hit you."

"I’d deserve it."

He took a step forward, then another and before she could move away he was holding her tightly in his arms. She couldn’t help it, she just started sobbing. "I didn’t know how to tell you, D. I’ve tried so many times. For months. I promised him I wouldn’t, but I was going to tell you anyway. I didn’t want you to find out like this."

"Shh. It’s okay," he stroked her back, trying to quiet the sobs.

"No, it’s not. Not anymore. Not now," she said as tears continued to trickle down her face.

He tried to stay angry -- hell, he was angry -- but it was impossible to stay that way. She was too heartbroken "Damn. What are we going to do?" he sighed as he held her, kissing her forehead.

She wiped her face and pushed herself away from him. It took her a moment to regain her composure. "What I asked for before. Let me go. Let me get away from here. I can’t take this, D. I can’t take the hurt in your eyes," she said bluntly.

"And in his?"

Kat shook her head. "I’m never going to see him again. I can’t. I wont. Please just let me go."

Howie was about to answer when the doorbell rang. He swore, then went to answer it. Kat wiped her face, poured herself some more tea, and picked up the mug shards from the sink.

AJ was stunned when he walked into the kitchen. Brian had warned him that Kat looked like hell, but it was still shocking to see. Her hair hung in dull strands and her face was gaunt and pale. Even her eyes seemed to have lost their lustre, and the dark circles underneath them didn’t help. He glanced quickly at Howie, then gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Hey, Kat."

"Bone. You’re looking good," she said politely.

"Uumm. Yeah."

She chuckled, a little spark of her old self. "AJ at a loss for words. I must look worse than I thought." She turned to Howie. "I’m going upstairs."

"No. I’m sorry Kat. I have to tell you something. AJ, show her."

AJ pulled a stack of newspapers from behind his back, handing them wordlessly to her. It was all there. Photos of Howie and her leaving the doctor’s office. And stories about how the "barren Backstreet wife" wasn’t anymore.

"When did these come out?" she asked shakily.

"This morning. It’s all over the news too," AJ replied.

She looked up at Howie. "I begged you."

"Kat…"

"I begged you to let me go. Why didn’t you let me, Howie?" she asked.

"Please…"

She ignored his interruption. "It would have been so easy. Just say it wasn’t working. We could have gotten a divorce quickly, and I could have gotten out of here before all this came out."

"Kat, come on. Howie…"

"Shut up AJ. You don’t know what you’re talking about." Kat continued to look at Howie. "Why didn’t you let me go?"

Howie shrugged uncomfortably. "When I said this may be my only chance to have a child I meant it. Nothing changes that." He looked away, then back at her. "And you need someone to look after you."

She looked back at the papers. "Well, I am leaving now."

"No!" "You can’t!" She wasn’t sure which man said which; they had both shouted at the same time.

"Kat, you can’t. The story’s out now. We have to stick it out," Howie pleaded, grabbing her hand.

"Bullshit. I’ll just tell everyone its not yours. That’s true. They’ll hate me but who cares. You can play the poor suffering cuckold for a few weeks and then it’ll be over," she replied calmly.

"Kat, you’re not in any condition to leave…" AJ said.

"I am perfectly fine."

Howie was about to answer, but AJ beat him to it. "You are not. Look at you. You look like shit."

"Thanks, Bone."

"He’s right," Howie agreed. "Look at you, Kat. You’ve been weak and listless since we confirmed your pregnancy. You’ve hardly eaten, slept in the past few weeks. And since…" he glanced at AJ. "All you’ve done for days is cry."

"I can take care of myself," she said stubbornly She turned away from them, getting up quickly. The world spun and started to go dark, but she caught herself as she stumbled.

"Yeah? What was that?" he asked concerned.

"Drop it, Howie. I just got up too quickly," she said crossly. "It was just a head rush."

"No, it wasn’t. It was starvation and depression. You are killing yourself with this," he said, helping her sit down again. He turned to AJ. "Sorry, Bone. But could you leave? I need to talk to Kat privately."

"Sure thing. I’m around if you need me." He looked at Kat one last time before heading out the door. "Don’t let her leave, D."

"Kat, you have to stop this. You aren’t leaving me."

"Howie. I slept with your ex-lover. I am carrying his child. And don't try and tell me that you are over him because I’d know you’re lying."

Howie felt a surge of anger again, but it passed quickly. "You’re right. I’ll always love Kevin, but I’m not what he wants. I never have been. Judging from that display earlier, I’d say you are what he wants."

She laughed harshly. "You heard him yesterday. He hates me even more than you do."

"I don’t hat you, and he’s just angry. When you tell him…"

"NO!" This time when she stood up it wasn’t just because of the sudden movement. She fainted.

When she opened her eyes again so was back in her room, on her bed. "I told you that you needed looking after," Howie said, draping a cold cloth over her forehead.

"I don’t need ‘I told you so’s,’" she grumbled.

"What you need is food and sleep. And as little stress as can be." He sighed. "Look, Kat, I can understand why you want to leave. But I really don’t want you to."

"I…"

"Listen to me. I love you. And I need you. I couldn’t even think of life without you. And if this baby is part of that package, I’ll take it. It won’t be too hard. I told you I wanted kids, and I would love to raise yours. Okay, this does make it harder. But we can manage."

"How can we, Howie? What I’ve done is…"

"Understandable. I don’t like it. But then I never liked the thought of anyone coming between us. I never really prepared myself for the idea of having to share you." He sighed. "I just went on my merry way, taking you for granted. And it hurts."

"But Kevin…"

"I’ve always loves Kevin; how can I blame you for feeling the same way?"

Kat was stunned. He couldn’t forgive her that easily?

"You think I’m some kind of freak for letting this go?"

"Stop reading my mind, D. It’s annoying."

He chuckled. "Glad I’ve still got some of that ability."

"You’ll have to share, you know?"

"Yeah," he thought dismally.

"I mean babies are a pretty big disruption. They take a lot of time," she continued.

He stared at her. "You’ll stay? You won’t go away."

She nodded and he pulled her close.

"Howie? I have one condition." She laughed, trying to push him away, to stop him from kissing her all over the face in his excitement.

"What?"

"This is YOUR child," she said firmly. "Kevin is not allowed to know he’s the father."

Chapter 36