© Kat Morgan 1999/2000
In Name Only
Chapter 53: Worries
"I feel guilty about it, Kev," Kat said softly as she leaned against his chest.
"Then go ahead and do it," he replied nuzzling her neck.
"I canít do that! There are only so many lies I can tell. It wouldnít be fair to you. Chris is YOUR son."
"Baby, I know that. You know that. Howie knows that. Hell, everyone who matters knows. That isnít going to change that."
"His family doesnít know."
"Howieís? Sure they do."
Kat shook her head. "No. They really think Chris is their grandchild. He hasnít even figured out how to tell them heís gay; howís he going to tell them this?"
Kevin rolled over to look at her, a shocked look on his face. "He hasnít told them?"
Kat shook her head again.
"Oh shit," he groaned.
"See? This situation has spiralled so far out of controlÖ." Kat gave a small sob. "I canít complete the birth certificate. I canít say that Howie is Chrisí father, because you are. I wonít do that to you. But if it doesnít get finished, eventually someone is going to notice. Then what happens?"
"Kat, sweetheart, itís okay." He held her close. Despite the month that had past since Chrisí birth Kat was still very emotional. It wasnít post-partum depression, more like post-partum confusion. She hated to be away from her son for even a short while, but also torn between being with the two men she loved so much.
She was hardly sleeping, he knew that. He chuckled inwardly. When Howie had practically begged him to "wear her out, if you know what I mean" he had tried his best. But every time she finally slipped into unconsciousness Chris would wake up, and she seemed to have this incredible sixth sense about it. Sheíd be halfway down the hall before he even heard the baby cry.
Even moving into Howieís house, to be close to her and Chris, and to keep things looking "proper" hadnít helped much. Every time he and Howie got her calmed down about one thing, she was off on another problem. All the little secrets that she had been keeping were bubbling to the surface, and she didnít have the strength the control them.
"Kat, please. Just rest. You are exhausted. This is not a problem." He finally managed to get her to lie back. "Look, no one has called us on this yet, and who knows if they ever will. And if they do we just say Ďoops, we were so busy at the time.í We can worry about it then."
"Shush. I admit this is a strange set-up. But you were also right: it would have been impossible for you to leave Howie and be with me then, and it still is. I donít like it; you know that. But I am willing to wait. WE know we have each other."
"Howieís got to tell his family. I thought he had all ready. I know how hard it is for him. But itís only going to get worse if he doesnít do it soon."
"Have you told your mother?"
Kevin sighed. "No. I want to. So badly I ache with it. But to do that Iíd have to go to Kentucky. This is not something I want to tell her over the phone. And I donít want to leave you alone right now." He kissed her brow. "Not ever."
"Itís all my fault," Kat whispered, tears starting to roll down her face.
"Hey! Stop that. You are worrying too much. Itís not a "whose fault is it" kind of thing. We havenít done a bad job of figuring this out so far." She frowned at him. "Okay, so not the greatest job, but it is still working. We all have each other. Donít worry about that certificate. Worry about meÖ"
"Whatís wrong with you?" Kat asked anxiously.
"I am not getting enough cuddle time with my favourite mother," he pouted cutely.
Kat smiled slowly. "Better talk to your son about that."
"No can do. He just cries and make me feel all guilty for lecturing him."
She laughed. "He is a little young for one of your "be responsible" talks."
"Hey! You make me sound like some old stiff."
"You want stiff? Iíll give you stiffÖ"
Howie was busy changing the baby when Kevin padded into the room.
"Howís he doing?"
Howie looked up, surprised that it wasnít Kat at the doorway. "Heís fine. He just wants some attention. Not feeding. Is she asleep?"
"Finally. And I practically had to hold a pillow over her ears so she wouldnít hear him this time."
Howie laughed. "Well, if it means sheíll be out for a few hours that is all that matters." He finished putting the diaper on and tucked Chris back into his rompersuit. "And you are going to have to be quiet, mister."
Chris just gurgled.
"Can I?" Kevin asked, holding out his arms. Howie passed him the baby and smiled at the look of wonder that came over Kevinís face. It was a bittersweet smile. Having Kevin around so much was causing some unresolved longings in Howie. "Damn I have to find a boyfriend," he muttered under his breath.
"What?" Kevin looked up from his inventory-taking. Yep, still ten fingers and ten toes. Still that cute button nose. And were those flecks of green in Chrisí eyes?
"Nothing. Just thinking aloud."
Kevin nodded distractedly. "Hey Chris. Daddyís right here. Can you say Daddy?"
Howie felt a surge of jealousy. Okay so Chris was Kevinís son but he didnít need to rub his face in it. "I think heís a little young for that," he said lightly.
"I suppose." Kevin looked at Howie. "D? I really wanted to thank you. Not many guys could handle having their wifeís lover living under the same roof."
Howie shrugged, feeling guilty now about his jealousy. "It made the most sense."
Kevin sat down in the large chair beside the crib, holding Chris close. "So how are you? Iíve been concentrating on Kat and Chris so much, I havenít asked."
"I am dying inside because I still want you. And I hate the fact that my wife needs you more than me right now. And the fact that Chris is going to look to you as his father and not me." Howie shook himself. No, that was not something he could say out loud. It was hard enough just admitting it to himself. "Iím okay. Tired. I know it will get better. And Kat will be back to her usual self soon. Iím not used to seeing her so, I donít know, weak. She was always so much stronger than me."
"I know what you mean. I miss the woman who is more than willing to kick my butt if she thinks I need it," Kevin grinned.
"Your butt. Now there is an image I DONíT need right now!" Howie thought. "Yeah. The doctor says that will fade soon. She is just in a heightened state right now."
"This birth certificate thing isnít helping."
"Certificate?" Howie frowned.
"She didnít tell you? Kat never filled out Chrisí birth certificate. She just left it saying his name and the name of his motherÖ"
"And didnít fill in the father line," Howie sighed. "I never even thought about that."
"Me neither," Kevin admitted, rocking Chris as he started to fuss.
"So? What is she going to do?"
"I donít know." Kevin looked at the other man. "Howie? Why havenít you told your family the truth?"
Howie hung his head. "I donít know how to. I know I should have. Iíve had a few years to figure it out. But I just canít. I couldnít bear to see the disappointment in their eyes."
"How can I tell them that their son is a fag? And that the grandchild they are so proud of isnít even his? That their son canít even get it up with his own wife?" he asked, a cruel twist to his voice.
He looked sadly at Kat who had entered the room. "How?" he whispered.
Kat crouched down in front of him, holding his hands, and forcing his head up so that he was looking at her. "Your parents love you. They would never reject you because of this. It will be hard telling them; I know that. But theyíll understand. Maybe not right away, but they will."
"Iím scared," Howie muttered.
"I know, D. And when ever you want to tell them you know I will be there for you." Kat hugged him and gave him a quick kiss. "And as for that last oneÖ itís not that you canít get it up with meÖ"
"Ahem? Iím still in the room you know," Kev cleared his throat.
"Itís that I wonít let you." Kat finished.
"Thatís better." Kevin grinned.
"Not that I donít want to. Just that I donít want you to compromise yourself."
"And itís not as if you arenít hot. I mean Iíd just love toÖ"
"Oh Kevin? I didnít see you there," Kat said, batting her eyes mischieviously
"Look at it this way, Kev," Howie grinned. "Sounds like Kat is getting back to normal."