© Kat Morgan 1999/2000

In Name Only

Chapter 53: Worries

"I feel guilty about it, Kev," Kat said softly as she leaned against his chest.

"Then go ahead and do it," he replied nuzzling her neck.

"I can’t do that! There are only so many lies I can tell. It wouldn’t be fair to you. Chris is YOUR son."

"Baby, I know that. You know that. Howie knows that. Hell, everyone who matters knows. That isn’t going to change that."

"His family doesn’t know."

"Howie’s? Sure they do."

Kat shook her head. "No. They really think Chris is their grandchild. He hasn’t even figured out how to tell them he’s gay; how’s he going to tell them this?"

Kevin rolled over to look at her, a shocked look on his face. "He hasn’t told them?"

Kat shook her head again.

"Oh shit," he groaned.

"See? This situation has spiralled so far out of control…." Kat gave a small sob. "I can’t complete the birth certificate. I can’t say that Howie is Chris’ father, because you are. I won’t do that to you. But if it doesn’t get finished, eventually someone is going to notice. Then what happens?"

"Kat, sweetheart, it’s okay." He held her close. Despite the month that had past since Chris’ birth Kat was still very emotional. It wasn’t post-partum depression, more like post-partum confusion. She hated to be away from her son for even a short while, but also torn between being with the two men she loved so much.

She was hardly sleeping, he knew that. He chuckled inwardly. When Howie had practically begged him to "wear her out, if you know what I mean" he had tried his best. But every time she finally slipped into unconsciousness Chris would wake up, and she seemed to have this incredible sixth sense about it. She’d be halfway down the hall before he even heard the baby cry.

Even moving into Howie’s house, to be close to her and Chris, and to keep things looking "proper" hadn’t helped much. Every time he and Howie got her calmed down about one thing, she was off on another problem. All the little secrets that she had been keeping were bubbling to the surface, and she didn’t have the strength the control them.

"Kat, please. Just rest. You are exhausted. This is not a problem." He finally managed to get her to lie back. "Look, no one has called us on this yet, and who knows if they ever will. And if they do we just say ‘oops, we were so busy at the time.’ We can worry about it then."

"But…"

"Shush. I admit this is a strange set-up. But you were also right: it would have been impossible for you to leave Howie and be with me then, and it still is. I don’t like it; you know that. But I am willing to wait. WE know we have each other."

"But Howie..."

"Howie’s got to tell his family. I thought he had all ready. I know how hard it is for him. But it’s only going to get worse if he doesn’t do it soon."

"Have you told your mother?"

Kevin sighed. "No. I want to. So badly I ache with it. But to do that I’d have to go to Kentucky. This is not something I want to tell her over the phone. And I don’t want to leave you alone right now." He kissed her brow. "Not ever."

"It’s all my fault," Kat whispered, tears starting to roll down her face.

"Hey! Stop that. You are worrying too much. It’s not a "whose fault is it" kind of thing. We haven’t done a bad job of figuring this out so far." She frowned at him. "Okay, so not the greatest job, but it is still working. We all have each other. Don’t worry about that certificate. Worry about me…"

"What’s wrong with you?" Kat asked anxiously.

"I am not getting enough cuddle time with my favourite mother," he pouted cutely.

Kat smiled slowly. "Better talk to your son about that."

"No can do. He just cries and make me feel all guilty for lecturing him."

She laughed. "He is a little young for one of your "be responsible" talks."

"Hey! You make me sound like some old stiff."

"Well…"

"You want stiff? I’ll give you stiff…"

"Yes, please."

 

 

Howie was busy changing the baby when Kevin padded into the room.

"How’s he doing?"

Howie looked up, surprised that it wasn’t Kat at the doorway. "He’s fine. He just wants some attention. Not feeding. Is she asleep?"

"Finally. And I practically had to hold a pillow over her ears so she wouldn’t hear him this time."

Howie laughed. "Well, if it means she’ll be out for a few hours that is all that matters." He finished putting the diaper on and tucked Chris back into his rompersuit. "And you are going to have to be quiet, mister."

Chris just gurgled.

"Can I?" Kevin asked, holding out his arms. Howie passed him the baby and smiled at the look of wonder that came over Kevin’s face. It was a bittersweet smile. Having Kevin around so much was causing some unresolved longings in Howie. "Damn I have to find a boyfriend," he muttered under his breath.

"What?" Kevin looked up from his inventory-taking. Yep, still ten fingers and ten toes. Still that cute button nose. And were those flecks of green in Chris’ eyes?

"Nothing. Just thinking aloud."

Kevin nodded distractedly. "Hey Chris. Daddy’s right here. Can you say Daddy?"

Howie felt a surge of jealousy. Okay so Chris was Kevin’s son but he didn’t need to rub his face in it. "I think he’s a little young for that," he said lightly.

"I suppose." Kevin looked at Howie. "D? I really wanted to thank you. Not many guys could handle having their wife’s lover living under the same roof."

Howie shrugged, feeling guilty now about his jealousy. "It made the most sense."

Kevin sat down in the large chair beside the crib, holding Chris close. "So how are you? I’ve been concentrating on Kat and Chris so much, I haven’t asked."

"I am dying inside because I still want you. And I hate the fact that my wife needs you more than me right now. And the fact that Chris is going to look to you as his father and not me." Howie shook himself. No, that was not something he could say out loud. It was hard enough just admitting it to himself. "I’m okay. Tired. I know it will get better. And Kat will be back to her usual self soon. I’m not used to seeing her so, I don’t know, weak. She was always so much stronger than me."

"I know what you mean. I miss the woman who is more than willing to kick my butt if she thinks I need it," Kevin grinned.

"Your butt. Now there is an image I DON’T need right now!" Howie thought. "Yeah. The doctor says that will fade soon. She is just in a heightened state right now."

"This birth certificate thing isn’t helping."

"Certificate?" Howie frowned.

"She didn’t tell you? Kat never filled out Chris’ birth certificate. She just left it saying his name and the name of his mother…"

"And didn’t fill in the father line," Howie sighed. "I never even thought about that."

"Me neither," Kevin admitted, rocking Chris as he started to fuss.

"So? What is she going to do?"

"I don’t know." Kevin looked at the other man. "Howie? Why haven’t you told your family the truth?"

Howie hung his head. "I don’t know how to. I know I should have. I’ve had a few years to figure it out. But I just can’t. I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in their eyes."

"D…"

"How can I tell them that their son is a fag? And that the grandchild they are so proud of isn’t even his? That their son can’t even get it up with his own wife?" he asked, a cruel twist to his voice.

"Howie!"

He looked sadly at Kat who had entered the room. "How?" he whispered.

Kat crouched down in front of him, holding his hands, and forcing his head up so that he was looking at her. "Your parents love you. They would never reject you because of this. It will be hard telling them; I know that. But they’ll understand. Maybe not right away, but they will."

"I’m scared," Howie muttered.

"I know, D. And when ever you want to tell them you know I will be there for you." Kat hugged him and gave him a quick kiss. "And as for that last one… it’s not that you can’t get it up with me…"

"Ahem? I’m still in the room you know," Kev cleared his throat.

"It’s that I won’t let you." Kat finished.

"That’s better." Kevin grinned.

"Not that I don’t want to. Just that I don’t want you to compromise yourself."

"Hey!"

"And it’s not as if you aren’t hot. I mean I’d just love to…"

"Kat!"

"Oh Kevin? I didn’t see you there," Kat said, batting her eyes mischieviously

"Yeah right."

"Look at it this way, Kev," Howie grinned. "Sounds like Kat is getting back to normal."

Chapter 54