Kat woke up feeling somewhat sore and disoriented. It took her a moment or two to figure out why.

"Well, it certainly explains where all the covers went," she muttered as she rolled over and saw David’s sleeping form on the other side of the bed. Why do men always do that? They complain that some women are frigid – did it ever occur to them that it might be because they never get enough blankets?

"Oh boy, you are in a great mood today," she grumbled as she slipped from the bed. It was lack of sleep, and still that indefinable something that was telling her that this wasn’t a good idea. It had made sense last night. Last night all she had wanted was David’s arms around her. This morning? She wasn’t as sure.

"Food that is what you need," she mumbled as she pulled a large t-shirt over her head and wandered into the kitchen.

No hope for relief here: she had forgotten that she needed groceries. She was going to do that yesterday, but was running so late for her dinner with David that she’s postponed it. So now she had herself, and a man, in the house and nothing to eat. Yikes. Somehow she didn’t think that David would welcome waking up to a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Besides, she couldn’t remember when she’d bought the box. She was sure that with all the chemicals in it the box would be around long after the nuclear holocaust. Hopefully the cockroaches that would run the world then would like it.

Slipped into the bathroom, taking a quick shower, then back into the bedroom. From the way David was snoring she doubted he was going to wake up any time soon. She scribbled a quick note telling him where she had gone and stuck it on her pillow, just in case. Then pulled on some jeans and sweater, grabbed her purse and left the apartment.

The 24 hour donut place on the corner was open (surprise, surprise). And she chugged down a very stiff cup of tea as quickly as she could. Finally blood started to return to her brain, and the sarcasm that had plagued her since waking up started to fade. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Then stretched a little. Yep, starting to feel much better now.

The large grocery store wasn’t open yet, but the little family-run one was. Kat preferred it anyway. Sure the prices were a little higher, but if you had a special request they would bend over backwards to fill it. And the meats and cheese section was fantastic. She wandered through the cramped aisles gathering breakfast things, then deciding to get as many of the groceries she needed to get now too. It wouldn’t take much more time, or be much more to carry and it would cut down on the things she had to do later.

She browsed through the fruits and vegetables trying hard to figure out what was making her feel so out of sorts.

So they had finally had sex. Nothing too surprising about that: they had been moving in that direction for a while now. And it had been fun. Okay, so no major orgasms for her or anything, but that usually happened the first time you were with someone. It took a little while to figure out each other’s bodies. Of course, guys had it much easier when it came to that. Hell, some of them could have an orgasm at the drop of a hat.

And she’d never really…. Okay, she’d never had an orgasm that was, shall we say, male created. Oh sure she could have one if a guy was in the room, but it was usually after he had rolled over and was snoring away. There had been that one guy in college who had been willing to let her do whatever it was that it took for her to have one while he was still inside her, but he really hadn’t done much. It had been all her work even then. And he got what he wanted out of it: the clenching and unclenching that she did always brought on his orgasm. It was just not from an in and out motion…

Even oral sex. Well, let’s just say that men suck. And she didn’t mean that in a good way. It always started off well, but then they got bored and unwilling to… oh, you get the idea. It just ended up feeling goopy, and not because she’d cum.

David had been no different.

She wondered why she thought he might be.

Why was she damned hesitant about all this?

Okay, so it had been her first sexual experience in a while. A long while. She had been so leery about getting involved with anyone… Maybe that was it. She still wasn’t sold on the whole dating idea. Wasn’t sure she wanted to get romantically entangled. There was so much that she had to work out; trying to do that and manage a relationship at the same time….

She’d told him at the beginning that she wasn’t sure about this. And while he had ignored that, he had moved things along at a slow pace. She’d always had the chance to say enough, no more. But she hadn’t. So if she was having regrets now it was her own fault.

And was she really regretting it? Or was this just one of those cold light of dawn things? It had made so much sense last night. And she hadn’t spoken to him yet today. Maybe he was as nervous and unsure as she was and once they talked it would be okay. She had just slipped out…

They hadn’t cuddled up together in the night, but then they were both used to sleeping alone.

It just… Well, if she was uncomfortable about this now was the time to figure out whether she wanted it to continue or not. And she couldn’t do that hiding in a grocery store. Time to go home and face David.

That didn’t mean she didn’t stop for another cup of tea to fortify herself before heading back to the apartment.

She quietly opened the door to the apartment; determined not to wake him if he wasn’t awake all ready.

He was awake. And it was a good thing she had crept in quietly.

"Yeah, she’s just gone out to get groceries. The least she could do is cook me a nice breakfast."

"Baby, you know I didn’t want to sleep with her, but she has been so damn tight-lipped."

"You know I’ve tried everything else. If I have to sit through another romantic dinner I’ll be sick."

"I’ve done that. I’ve introduced her to every loser in the office, trying to get her to think we are the real thing. She still won’t spill it."

"Baby, you know she could never compare to you in bed. She is so straight vanilla….

"Honestly Parker, it was so damn hard to even get off with her. She has no moves, nothing. I can’t wait to get back to you and let you punish me for being a bad boy with her last night…" His tone was wheedling, and Kat repressed a shudder.

"You promise? I really need to be spanked…"

"Groan. Parker, I need you badly. Yeah baby, very badly. Make me be as bad as you want me to be…."

"You will? Oh yeah, baby, I promise to do you good…

"Sigh. Okay. I’ll make up some excuse to get out of here as soon as I can. I don’t want to ever touch her again. I know… Damn, I wish she’d just tell me what I want to know so I can just get the hell out of here…"

"Have you heard anything more?"

"Are you sure she knows some deep dark secret about the Backstreet Boys? I mean she is such a wuss, she probably left because one of them told her a dirty joke."

"No, Parker, I would never second guess you! You are right: I’ll try again. Sigh. If I have to fuck her again to get it out of her I will. But I tell you the one way I’m gonna cum is if I think about what you are going to do to me when I get back there…. Tell me what you’ll do, baby…"

Kat walked back down the hallway, dropping the groceries quietly in the kitchen and then leaving the apartment. She walked down the corridor then sank down, her back pressed against the wall, trying hard to hold in the sobs.

Well that answers a whole bunch of questions. First, THAT was where she recognized him from. She remembered him now: one of Parker’s cadre of boy toys. They were usually leather, or vinyl, clad which is probably why the constant wool suits had thrown her off. And she was sure he’d had a nose ring, but he must not wear it to work so he never had around her.

Second, her feeling that something else was going on was cleared up. Something else was. That bitch Parker knew she’d left the tour and figured out that it was because she had learnt something that she shouldn’t have. Howie must have called With It looking for her. Parker was a cow, but she was also fairly smart. She’d have clued in fast that there was a thing she could use to her own advantage… if she could only find out what it was.

Third, yep, she wasn’t crazy. None those times David had brought up the Boys were accidents. Oh, he was good. They had all been nonchalant mentions, and had only gotten worse when she’s revealed that she knew them personally. He was on a fact-finding mission, and she’d played right into his hands.

Damn it! Why was this happening? Why were people always trying to use her? David, Parker, Howie, her parents…. Why did people need to use other people to make themselves feel superior? And why the hell did they always seem to be using her?

Fuck it. She’d had enough.

Mitch had been right. She needed to get past her past if she was ever to get on with her life. Starting to see the psychologist had been the right thing to do, but her own fear had kept her from really stepping out from the walls she had build around her. It was time to take charge.

"Fine, you bastard. You want straight vanilla. I’ll give you vanilla." Kat climbed to her feet, wiping the tears away. "And if you want Backstreet secrets, I’ll spin you such a tale…"

Chapter 19

(c) Kat Morgan