When
Leighanne had shown up at the hotel that morning she had thought it was just
going to be the usual: Nick needing to talk to a friend about things that he
couldn’t, well, tell a guy-friend. One of his “how come I can’t seem to find
anyone” conversations. They’d had a couple of those recently, and she knew that
her engagement to Brian was making it a little worse for Nick. Not that he
resented their relationship; in fact he supported and celebrated it. But it did
make him think about the things that were missing in his life.
His
longest, and long-winded, relationship to date had been with a woman that Leigh
really didn’t like that much. Tanya could be nice, really nice, to be with, but
she was erratic, and more often than not she took it out on Nick. He was never
there, and when he was other people, like his family or friends, wanted to see
him too. And when they were on the road he was a mixture of a lot of energy and
absolute exhaustion. So he was erratic too, but at least it was fairly
predictable.
He
needed someone who could understand all that and compliment his personality.
Someone who was “good to go” but also needed downtime. Unfortunately, he didn’t
have a lot of time to go out and search for that kind of person. And the
occasional flings he had, well they were always satisfying in some ways, but
they never seemed to form into a lasting relationship. Either they’d be scared
off by his career or he’d be scared off by his insecurities.
So
when he called and asked her if she was free to talk about Brian’s birthday
party… well, she just knew that it would be more of a guy seeking advice from
girl friend conversation than planning cakes, balloons or games.
She
didn’t except this.
Seeing
Kat there (damn, had she ever changed!) was the first surprise.
Kat
and Nick would clearly never be comfortable around each other for very long;
they were both pig-headed and stubborn in their own ways. Though they did seem
to be able to laugh at themselves and each other without it being
mean-spirited. This new, feistier Kat was surprising, and Nick obviously wasn’t
sure he liked it. Leighanne thought about for a moment and decided that she
did. She’d always suspected that Kat’s reticent behaviour before had been for
personal reasons. She was finally coming out of her shell.
So
maybe a good thing would come out of this horrible situation after all.
And
to hear that it hadn’t just been her…
That
had been a shock too. She’d been carrying around this private guilt for so
long. It hurt so much. To find out that it had been, as Kat had said, part of a
sick game. God, how could he do that? Did he have no clue as to what he was
destroying?
Part
of her managed to be calm and composed as she listened to the story, while
inside she was screaming in pain. That was nothing new: that part of her had
been screaming ever since it happened. Increasing in volume when Brian had
proposed. Now it was deafening.
“I
know its Howie because it happened with me, too,” she whispered in despair.
As
she knew he would (hadn’t he all ready foreshadowed it?) Nick went ballistic.
She sat there, sobbing quietly as he raged; screaming at her, throwing things
and swearing up a storm. Kat finally gave her a tissue then got up, grabbed
Nick’s arms, then slapped him across the face.
Nope,
she wouldn’t have expected that from Kat.
And
neither did Nick. He stood there, shocked as the handprint glowed rosily on his
tanned cheek.
“You
have two choices, Carter,” Kat said angrily. “Either sit the hell down and shut
the fuck up, or go to your room like the baby you are!”
His
mouth worked, but nothing came out.
“You
knew when you asked Leighanne here that this might the answer you’d get. You
told me that you needed to hear the truth. You were the one who forced this to
go this far. I said that we could leave this alone, that we should forget about
it, but you insisted. Well, you have your answer now, so you’re going to have
to damn well live with it.”
“And
as for screaming at Leighanne: take a look at her! Do you honestly think this
is easy for her? And why are you putting all the blame on her and not on that
frigging sonofabitch Howie? Calm down and let’s try and talk this out like
rational people, not shriek at each other like children.”
She
turned her back on him and sat back down on the sofa across from Leighanne.
“Are you okay?”
“No,”
Leighanne replied honestly. “No, I’m not. And I haven’t been for a while.”
“I’m
willing to listen if you want to talk.”
Leigh
cast an eye at Nick who still stood there, trying to figure out whether he
wanted to run away or finish what he’d started, then turned back to Kat. “I
think I’d like that.”
She
wiped her eyes, blowing her nose delicately, and then picked up a few more
tissues. She was going to need them before she was finished.
“I
am actually kind of glad that it is out in the open now. I have been struggling
with how to deal with it for a while now. I have to tell Brian the truth, but I
just don’t know how to without losing him.” She gave a sob, “I can’t lose him.
I love him so much.”
Nick
made his decision. It hurt, but he was an adult, and he was going to act like
one. He sat down next to Leighanne, giving her a quick hug. She looked up at
his sympathetic azure eyes and burst into tears again. He held her close,
rocking her gently, letting her cry. Kat had to admire him: he’d come through
in the crunch.
It
took a little while to regain her composure, but Leighanne finally blinked back
her tears. “Sorry. I’ve just been holding this in for a while.”
“Its
okay, Leigh. Sorry I blew like that,” Nick replied.
“You
have every right to be angry, Nick. I’m angry. And guilty. God, I was so
stupid. And now you tell me its happened with others… In a way it would be
better if it had only happened to me. Now… I don’t know what to feel.”
“Why
don’t you tell us what happened,” Kat suggested quietly.
The
blonde woman nodded and took a deep breath. “Brian and I had only been going
out together for a little while when he was told he had to have his heart
surgery. It scared the heck out of me. I mean, it had been only a short while,
but I was terrified even then of losing him. Only then the risk was a lot
worse: he could die. And with TransCon screwing around with his surgery dates:
God, didn’t they get it? It could have killed him and all they did was worry
about how much money they could make off him before it happened,” she said
bitterly.
Kat
had only heard through other fans what life had been like back then, but the
looks on both Leigh and Nick’s faces was enough to convince her that the
gossip, while horrible, had been nothing compared to the truth.
“The
only ones who understood were Brian’s family and the other Boys. They were
feeling the same things. When they finally allowed some time for him to have
the surgery, Brian was in there so long…” Tears started to trickle down her
face. “I was so afraid he wasn’t going to make it and there was nothing I could
do about it. And why would they tell me anyway? I was just “the girlfriend” not
family. I was dying inside a little more every minute that passed.”
“And
then there was Howie. He was supposed to be there, with the rest of us. But
when word came about his sister falling ill, he just hopped the next plane he
could get on…and got there just after she died. He was still in shock and
grieving terribly when, once again, TransCon to the rescue, he was told to get
back to work.”
“We
were a mess: all of us. Kevin was terrified of losing someone else he loved,
Nick was worried sick about his basketball partner…” She smiled at him and he
grinned back.
“And
video game partner. Rok plays almost as well as I do: he’s the only one who
really gives me a challenge,” he added.
“Howie
had just lost someone he loved and AJ was stuck in the middle. He was having
flashbacks of his first girlfriend who died, and then with Howie in mourning
and Brian touch and go…” She sighed heavily. “Once we got back on tour it was
just as bad. Brian never knew whether the stage he got on would be his last,
and we were all concerned about the same thing.”
“There
was one night, when Brian was particularly exhausted after a concert. I put him
straight to bed; made him rest. But he was so pale, so weak. I was afraid to
leave him alone, but I couldn’t bear to see him like that either. Kevin stopped
by and agreed to watch over him and I went down to the hotel restaurant.”
“Howie
was there.”
Kat
and Nick exchanged glances.
“He
was in bad shape too. And we started talking. We were both getting really upset
and we decided that sitting out in public was probably not a good idea so we
went up to his room.” She saw Kat’s questioning look. “I mean, this was Howie:
what did I have to worry about?”
Kat
nodded. She’d felt the same way. Once.
“I
guess you can figure out from there. One minute we were crying and consoling
each other, the next we were in bed together. And it just seemed natural at the
time. We were just trying to get past the pain, you know? It was just towards
the end, when I thought about Brian again… God, I felt so horrible, so vile.”
She choked off, starting to sob again.
Kat
moved to her side and wrapped her arms around her. Nick did the same. The three
of them sat there in silence as Leighanne wept and Nick and Kat tried to absorb
what they had heard.
“Its
okay, Leigh,” Nick said soothingly when she settled. “I understand how it could
have happened.”
“Can
you?” she said bitterly, her voice twisting with self-loathing. “The man I love
was across the hallway fighting for his life and I was fooling around with one
of his best friends! I…”
“Leighanne!
It was an accident. No one blames you,” Kat replied.
“No?
Nick sure did a few minutes ago!” Nick flushed. “And Brian? He’s going to blame
me. How can I tell him? How can I tell him?” she wailed.
“He
won’t blame you,” Nick insisted. “He’ll be upset, but he’ll understand. He
loves you. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”
“But
I can’t marry him. Don’t you see? This is why I keep postponing the wedding. I
can’t marry him without telling him. If he was to ever find out… And I am so
afraid of telling him myself.”
“I
can’t marry Brian.”
(c) Kat Morgan